Insights from the Monastery

Stacy Patty, July 2024

Drive seventy miles northwest of Santa Fe, New Mexico, and turn left on Forest Road 151 for the final thirteen miles, which then should take about forty-five minutes. The single-lane, gravel road snakes up the Chama River Canyon, around treacherous hairpin turns on an incline, and – about a half-mile out, a  simple chapel comes into view. Relief from the drive is immediate, and anticipation of the real experience beings.

Christ in the Desert, a Benedictine monastery, lives its days by ora et labora (“prayer and work”), with seven communal Prayers (chanting the Psalms), work, study, and quiet. This year marked my seventh long stay there – almost two weeks each July – for what has become a most healing and renewing time. Over the years, I am coming to see some consistent and life-changing themes. These are thoughts in process, and I hope readers find them provocative, if not helpful.

Silence is Restorative. Except for prayers and occasional moments of quiet conversation, talking is unacceptable. Initially, the silence is shocking, but soon it becomes calming. One’s mind begins to relax, and busy words vanish. In their place, the Psalms and ancient hymns settle in.  And even at the oddest moments – on a walk, while eating or working – those lines from the Prayers come to memory. Silence seems to have purified the mind from less significant matters and thoughts. This auditory silence is only the beginning.  Visual noise fades as well. The constant bombardment of print and visual media, commercial signage and logos, and sports and patriotic extravaganzas dissolves, and one’s eyes find quiet. Something like a sacred emptiness fills the new void. Silence becomes nothing, as in no thing to bother, no thing to stress, no thing to plan, even no thing to ponder. One is left with, well, the Holy.  And healing begins its process.

Prayer is Awareness. Prayer often works as ritual or petition, when there is a vocalization to God in a pattern of address-content-conclusion. It is common to bow heads and close eyes from beginning to end, after which normal life or worship practices continue. This formalized prayer certainly has validity, for in prayer one comes before God. But prayer as such is in danger of missing a key reality: God’s presence is not limited to that of the object of our rituals. If we “come to God” in prayer, we risk forming a view of a God who is more present during formal practice than at other times. Prayer as awareness, instead, welcomes and engages the presence of God in every moment of our lives. God is not “out there,” beyond this world. God is present in God’s image within each human person, and God’s creative and Spirit work continues to live in all creation. Prayer as awareness anticipates encountering and experiencing the presence and action of God throughout human and cosmic history. This way of seeing prayer brings about a life that “prays without ceasing.”

Rhythm is Sacred. Cultures recognize seasons, celebrations, and hours for a purpose. Like traditional university bell towers, or Muslim calls to prayer five times a day, Benedictines mark each day with bells that announce the Prayers. One comes to expect those sounds, ending a reading or work period and calling all into the next special communion. Within a few days, a rhythm forms, bringing some sense of identity and purpose to each day and each task. Rather than awakening to rush to work, struggling to keep up with assignments and meetings, dragging home exhausted, and ending the days poorly, living within the Prayers provides a holiness to all that is done. Once again, some urgent matters or tasks that seem important fade away as the sacred rhythm of the day serves as a kind of filter or corrective, training us to live with awareness of the holiness of our walk.

Surprise is Serendipity. A first-year monastery guest may battle to preserve the quiet around him and an intense schedule for a perfect contemplative journey. In my first few visits, at each moment of the day, I had planned readings, walks, secluded spots for sitting, and expectations for sitting and chanting the coming prayers, (which of course needed to be always in English rather than Latin). No matter how well I personally performed, something or someone always interrupted. Frustration – even anger – would follow, and then guilt, before final arrogant resignation that not everyone was as focused as me. In recent years, I’ve come to accept these disruptions for what they truly are – serendipitous surprises. A serendipity is an unexpected grace, and if we take the presence of God and the holiness of the day seriously, then these detours promise unexpected gifts. Not always are the fruits pleasant, but without fail they are instructive, and ultimately they enhance our spiritual journey. Life is messy, and God dwells in the confusion as well as the order. As I am coming to accept the realities of surprises, I am discovering a richer understanding of the Divine and finding within me a deeper peace and serenity.

Relationship is Crucial. Spiritual seekers often think in terms of individual journeys and monastic solitude, and perhaps this mindset is stronger for us introverts. But even the most determined monk serves and depends upon community graces of others. This is a beauty of the Benedictine Rule: everyone prays, and everyone works, whether by cooking, cleaning, building, or repairing. Of necessity, work involves cooperation and some conversation. And in Prayer, everyone chants or the worship fails. Occasional, festive “talking meals” also bring that serendipitous surprise, whether it be with a monk who previously seemed troubled and aloof or a fellow guest with an amazing story. Christian theology and scientific teaching highlight the essential interrelatedness of both human and natural life. Without connections, death comes. Realizing the importance of relationship brings gratitude and acceptance for those nurtured and new encounters that come.

Nature is Breathtaking.

Majestic, multicolored canyon walls encompass the monastery. Occasional clouds dot a deep blue sky, turning in dark of night to reveal a stunning Milky Way. Animals prevail – robins, magpie, and geese; squirrel, rabbit, and lizard; mule deer and monastery sheep. Sagebrush, wildflowers, pinon, oak, and flowering cholla provide cover. Who could arrive at the monastery and not stand in awe before this cathedral of nature? Far from city lights, concrete jungles, and tall square buildings, words fail. Nature is thriving and stunning: there is a beetle, marking its path with a dragging leg; the sun’s rays highlighting a canyon corner, then a specific tree, then a tapestry of colors in rock layers; the clean smell of wet air following an afternoon shower; geese honking their arrival at the river; the striped markings on a common mountain rock; poplar leaves flittering as if glitter; the sound of a coyote in the distance. And who could not return to with city without new eyes toward nature everywhere? I leave the monastery with renewed joy in the variety of nature’s beauty, whether a rainbow of colors in a West Texas sunset, the roar of waters on a Pacific beach, or the swaying of giant pines in a Colorado forest. This wonder toward nature is compounded with realization of the God who is present and active in nature. This insight is beyond understanding, but I cannot ignore its reality.

Journey is Goal. Self-help gurus, business consultants, and even religious organizations value strategic plans and target goals; success is measured by reaching a goal. Monastery life helps me to see that the joy is in the journey because the journey is all we have. Plans and goals are necessary, of course, but only as provisionary guides. Since prayer is awareness in the presence of God throughout each day, determined focus on an end later hides grace now. This discovery brings freedom from anxiety and pressure, and it gives new energy to approaching the people and things before me now. The Kingdom of God is not out there, beyond, or in the future. God’s reign and presence is now.

So, You Go to a Monastery Way Off in the Desert for Two Weeks Each Summer, But . . .

What do you do?

I wake up at 4:45 a.m., usually a few minutes before the (very quiet) alarm on my phone chimes.  I quickly slip on my pants and a long-sleeve shirt, since the morning air is about 60 degrees. Taking a flashlight and hat, I’m off for the 5-minute walk down and then up the gravel road to the guest reception room. I grab two boiled eggs and some coffee, sit to peel the eggs, add hot sauce, salt and pepper, and a dash of soy sauce, and enjoy. I pop a slice of bread in the toaster, add butter and honey, grab a bit of milk, and enjoy the rest of the meal. I eat in silence, even if other guests are present. At 5:30, I’m sitting in the chapel, just as the abbot knocks twice and Lauds begins; it lasts for 30 minutes.  (The monks have already had Vigils, at 4:00 a.m., for about an hour; I choose to sleep through this first office/prayer/hour of the day.)

At 6:00, I return to my room (about 8 x 10 feet, with a comfortable bed, desk, and two chairs), gather my French press and go to the guesthouse commons to make coffee. By 6:15, I am sitting in the guesthouse gardens (rocks, wildflowers, chola cacti, and a few bushes/trees) for an hour of reading, thinking, meditation, and journal writing. (I am skipping daily Mass, which occurs from 6:00 to 7:00 or so.)  By 7:30, other guests return, and the guesthouse is busier, though fairly quiet.  

Around 8:00, I close up my Dutch door and back window and shutter the blinds, a strategy that keeps the room fairly cool throughout the day.  Then I switch to work clothes and am off to Terce, which begins at 8:45 and lasts for 15 minutes. It is followed by work, and I join long-time volunteer Paul in the annual oiling of the exterior wood. As the days bring on hotter weather, sometimes we start before and work through Terce. (For this year, I also repainted some sign lettering.) By 11:00, I am back in my room, transitioning with a shower and a snack (usually, an orange) back to a favored chair on the porch near my door. I read or write for about an hour. Then I usually take a casual walk back up to the chapel, perhaps vectoring off on a trail to the river, or cutting through a back trail into monastery property marked “private.”

At 1:00 p.m., Sext begins, which lasts for 15 minutes. It is followed by the main meal, which entails sitting in the refectory with the monks, in silence, while we eat and listen to a reading. The meal is bracketed by formal hymns and prayers.  Following the meal, I sometimes attend None, which begins immediately afterwards and is often attended by fewer monks (due to necessary post-meal clean-up duties.) It lasts for 15 minutes. Before or after None, I join Paul in the Ranch House common room for coffee and discussion. We talk about the monastery, religion, and theology, but also about art, music, and politics. I try to get back to my cell (room) by 3:00 p.m.  

From 3:00 to 5:15 or so, I sit and read, usually on the porch, drinking lots of water. Except for the current year, I get to watch an occasional passing shower roll through. Sometimes I use this time to clean my room, but I must be careful to keep the door and window shut. By now the temperature is well into the 90s.

At 5:15, I head back to the chapel for the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, where we sit for 30 minutes in the presence of the Eucharistic Host. I take this time to think and pray, and sometimes I bring a book to read.  At 5:50, Vespers begins, which lasts for 30 minutes. It is followed by a small meal, which is usually leftovers and soup. We guests eat in silence.

Compline begins at 7:15 or 7:30, so I usually hang around the chapel area until then. Lasting about 20 minutes, the office always ends with the “Salve Regina” hymn and the blessing of everyone with holy water. After Compline, everyone is supposed to follow the Great Silence, with absolutely no talking, until the morning. Rarely do guests follow this rule, somewhat sadly.

Back at the guesthouse, if a garden chair is available, I take it and sit to watch the sky and the setting sun over the massive canyon wall. I sometimes have to settle for my porch seat, or I take a walk up the road back towards the canyon entrance. By 8:30 or 9:00 at the latest, I am preparing for sleep. I open up the Dutch door and position my make-shift screen and lie down.

Sundays and feast days (when a key saint is celebrated, like St. Benedict on July 11) have a different schedule, but the overall events are the same.

What happens in the offices?

They begin with a call to prayer. Most of the offices all begin with “O God, come to my assistance,” led by the abbot. We respond with “O Lord, make haste to help me,” followed by the doxology.

Then there are a series of Psalms chanted, antiphonally across the chapel, interspersed with short antiphons (brief phrases), short responsories (where we chant back what the leader says), a scripture reading, a Gospel canticle, a hymn (always from the Liber hymnarius, with hymns from the very early centuries), and prayer. During the chanting and at other points during the office, we stand and bow when there is a doxology.

What do you eat?

For breakfast, in addition to boiled eggs, there is a selection of cereal, jams and jellies, fruit, and usually yogurt. Juice, coffee, and milk are available. The main meal always includes beans, rice, bread, and salad, plus a main dish and usually a side dish. The main dish is often baked fish, baked chicken, a pasta dish, or a turkey or salmon meat loaf. Red meat is rarely served; on the Feast of St. Benedict, we had lamb steaks, superbly prepared by a monk with chef experience. Water is the drink, and dessert is rare. There is always fruit available between meals. 

Do you really have to be quiet?

The Rule of Benedict calls for no talking except when addressed by the abbot or when necessary during work or other times. Sundays and feast days are usually more casual. Guests are encouraged to abide by these rules, but inevitably conversations emerge. These talks are supposed to be limited to common rooms in the guest houses and breakfast room, and most guests try to abide by the rules. Guest house double rooms, frequently occupied by married couples, often produce some subdued, consistent talking noise.  

Silence is the goal overall, but there are certainly times when talking occurs. Likely, guests will find common interests or concerns, and sometimes a person wants to talk with a monk. There is room for such good conversation.

So, why is it that you go, really?  Centrally,

• There is something about the quiet and the landscape that draws me there.  The desert is stark and beautiful, and the only thing that challenges the quiet is my tinnitus. Not the same as quiet, there is also the solitude that one can have. I’ve learned over the years that I cannot escape normal life, but getting away from time to time is restorative.

• I appreciate the monastic prayers, even when I am challenged by them. I am troubled by the theology of some of the Psalms, and I certainly find a good bit of the Catholic ritual overbearing. Sometimes, I even find the seemingly excessive number of doxologies distasteful (perhaps I should ask for forgiveness). But the rhythm and the spirituality are good, drawing me without coercion back to the central core of Christian faith.

• The surprises of contact with humans and other life are always stunning. There is the young man several years ago trying to process the death of his father only a week before; the true friendship with a former Jesuit who travels each year from Philadelphia; the chance encounter with a woman and children whose truck is out of oil; the morning bird that seems to be taunting me with its chirp; the buck on the trail not ten feet from me, staring and standing; the knowing, mischievous glance from an elderly monk across the dinner table; the friends of Bill who one year set me in a better direction; the coiled rattlesnake playing sentry guard on my path. I don’t go to the monastery for the chance to meet others nor to seek out animal life, and often I do not quickly welcome such encounters. But I find them always rewarding and often approaching something like revelation.

• Returning to “normal life” brings deeper appreciation for precious relationships and important responsibilities. At the same time, I return with a somewhat clearer perspective regarding the true value of numerous “urgent” tasks, seemingly “necessary” things, other idols that lure and choke. I hope that with each visit, I return a better person, and I pray that these changes last.

What else is important?

• This is the high desert, about 6600 feet.  Nights are dark, and the Milky Way is bright.

• Coyote, wildcat, bear are possible.  More regularly, one encounters ground squirrels, lizards, rabbits, deer, livestock, birds, geese, and snakes.  Rattlesnakes are not uncommon.

• The wildflowers and other plant life are amazing.

• The canyon walls are colorful, and one never tires of the wonders of shadow and sunray moving along the canyon.  The sky is bright and blue.

• The 13-mile, single lane dirt and gravel road into the monastery is treacherous, challenging, and often unsafe.

• I am incredibly grateful that I am blessed to go each year.  

Stacy L. Patty, July 17, 2023

(A July 23, 2018 post provides another view.)

 On Rainbows and Love in a Time of Pride

I realized last week that some Evangelicals are using Pride Month as a time to point out the "original origin of the rainbow." As Facebook friend Jake Lierman notes, other than the absurdity of using a theological story to make a scientific and historical point, the approach distorts a symbol of divine love to emphasize human distancing and division.  I am always struck by how necessary these religious people think it is to sermonize and respond to such cultural moments of reaching out.  Those gay, lesbian, and transgender friends use the month of June as a time to witness to their humanity, to share their joys and sorrows, to express their hopes for peace and justice, to gain full and safe access to the same rights and privileges as other Americans.  There is in response -- by many people who claim faith -- a kind of defensive categorization or distancing:  These people are not like us; they don't even know the Bible!

Well, perhaps, but ignorance of the Bible -- and of the teachings of Jesus -- is not something limited to the ones who don't go to church.  "Above all, Love," this Jesus would say.

I was reminded of this reality with a repost of an Instagram piece yesterday.  This reflection is part of a new AIDS Monument and Museum, which will open soon.  It is written by Cosgrove Norstadt, the husband of my dearest childhood friend, Jeff Foote.  The words stand on their own; there is no need for any other commentary.

“It was a Sunday morning in the Castro. We were having brunch at Bagdad Cafe and noticed a couple who obviously didn't belong. They stood out even if they had been tourists. We were serendipitously seated next to this couple. When my food came, the woman asked what I had ordered which led to some small talk and finally on to real conversation.

They were in town visiting their son Raymond who was dying of AIDS. Thelma, his mother, said that he’d been in the hospital over three months and his friends had dried up. Thelma and Ray, his father, had a large family but the family had tired of making the five hour drive to visit. They were left alone to tend to their dying son. Abandoned by friends and family.

My husband and I thought it was nonsense for this little trio to be left alone. We could offer something of great value with little effort to us. So we began visiting a couple of times a week which grew to daily visits. We would offer Thelma and Ray breaks to go out to dinner or just a nap back at their hotel.

The days turned to weeks and finally months. We spent many hours talking with this family. They were an Evangelical family, strict in their faith and in their greatest time of need, two gay men ironically came to the rescue. We were all a devastated microcosm of a real family. Our beliefs didn't matter, just Raymond.

Raymond finally passed. Thelma and Ray asked me to deliver the Eulogy. But, it wasn't just about Raymond. It was about his mother and father. We might have been "enemies" in another situation who called a truce (as Christ's example) to minister to the sick and ailing. We held on to each other to comfort their son and ourselves. We believed only in unconditional love during that time.

That fall, the family invited us to Thanksgiving dinner. We drove down and brought a bouquet of white roses with a single cardinal red rose, Raymond's favorite.

In Raymond's death, he brought some unlikely people together. He ministered to us as well and always referred to my husband and I as his mother's "gay friends.” Love was all that mattered to us during this time.”

May we all be so kind.

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Sibelius' Gift in the Time of Pandemic

In 1899, Finland was a nation struggling against the encroaching power of Russia. Its journalists held a three-day meeting, the Finnish Press Pension Celebration of 1899, "a thinly veiled rally in support of freedom of the Finnish Press, then largely controlled by tsarist Russia" (Britannica online). Jean Sibeilius, working as a musician with an annual Finnish government grant, contributed to the event a set of nationalist musical works. The final piece was a tone poem, later labelled as Sibelius Opus 26, which Sibelius had entitled “Finland Awakes.”  It was introduced to the public by the Helsinki Philharmonic at the Paris World Exhibition of 1900. The piece became Finland’s most important national song, but its tune – or rather, part of it – found its way into other cultures and media. Most Christians know it as “Be Still My Soul.”  (The words to the hymn predate Sibelius; they are translated from Catharina von Schlegel’s 1768 poem.)

The first time that I heard the hymn’s tune in its original context, I was stunned. Sibelius’ composition only reveals this gem after a foreboding beginning, punctuated for several minutes while being interrupted by something uplifting along the way. And then the sheer beauty emerges. It builds, but the darkness returns, creeping in and challenging, only to be rebuffed as the tune tries and breaks through again. The calm energy takes over the rest, and the symphony unites and builds to its finale. One cannot help but be moved, and greatly encouraged.

If you listen, watch for the counter tune’s initial attempted entry at .48 into the piece. At about 2.15, the tune begins to return and build, but is challenged; about 2.50 it returns and increases. The cycle repeats about 3.20 to 4.00. And then at 4.15, parts of the tune build and then fall, build and fall, until calm at 4.58. And we hear it, softly at first among the flutes and oboes, then building. Tones of the ominous beginning struggle to fight through, but they are overwhelmed by 6.35; at 7.14 unity and celebration! Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6P3cIJHWjw

Guns, God(s), and Thoughts and Prayers

Add my hometown to the endless list of places where mass shootings have occurred.  A 36-year old white male with an A.R. rifle killed seven and injured nineteen during a confusing ride through Odessa before his own death.  Somewhere in the midst of that run, the shooter sped through my old junior high school neighborhood, shot a postal worker, and took off in her van.  I am amazed at how much this shooting has affected me; since yesterday, I’ve felt generally ill and preoccupied, and sad.  Although we in the United States now experience one mass shooting every two weeks, according to an F.B.I. agent in today’s press conference, there is something different about these shootings when they hit close to home.

I can agree with Texas Governor Abbot on one thing: “I am tired of the dying.”  But that line in itself is disheartening; how long does it take us to become “tired” of the dying?

When these shootings occur, there are two immediate responses.  First, everyone sends or asks for “thoughts and prayers.”  Second, everyone thanks and praises brave first responders.  Both of these actions are noble.  Neither is enough.  Acknowledging the bravery and sacrifice of first responders is important.  In times like these, we know that we lean on their shoulders as they seek to protect us, and as we learned in the Odessa chapter, no routine stop is routine.  I cannot imagine the stress and exhaustion that law enforcement personnel must daily bear, and I join others in grateful admiration for these protectors and responders.  I wonder, however, if the litany of thanks and praise does not mask deeper problems.  We thank the responders because thanking them is one of the few immediate actions that we can do.  But we also thank them because enough acknowledgments can convince us that we have helped.  More gratitude and praise will lead them to more courage and fighting at the next shooting.

We must never doubt the sincerity of someone’s desire for thoughts and prayers, but all too often that move signals our lack of any perceived ability to help, or our own inability to see solutions or act for less violence.  God, after all, is somehow in charge and has a plan for us all.  Sometimes when a friend has a tragedy, I do want to send my thoughts and prayers; it’s a way of saying “I don’t know what to do other than pray.”  But that is the rub.  I think I do indeed know what to do before the next shooting.

I can certainly call on community and government leaders to help us return to a Godly, conservative morality.  The problem, we have begun to hear again, is “the evil acts of a handful of people,” as state Rep. Matt Schaefer said Saturday.  If fathers will not leave their wives and children, if discipline is used in the home, if “God-given rights” are protected, then the evil go away.  Often the refrain is slightly stronger: “Get God back in our schools!” they say.  I agree.  I call on legislators to increase funding for public schools, increase the minimum wage and provide better public transportation for mothers and fathers, and promote the discipline of caring and the virtue of selflessness.  I ask that Christians look to Jesus and seek to embody his model of justice and mercy, forgiveness and love.  I call on community leaders, pastors, and teachers to encourage contexts and communities of diversity, where fears, dreams, hopes, and actions bridge ethnicity and social status.  Watch as hate begins to go away.

And I can encourage action on sensible gun control.  Universal background checks, red flag warning systems, and outlawing military-style guns are widely supported measures.  The arguments here are so common and so tired.  We no longer see how sensible and reasonable these changes are.  It is time to say no to the NRA and to vote out legislators who remain beholden to that organization. 

After the El Paso shooting, I found myself embroiled in a social media “discussion” about guns and mental illness.  I pointed out that the mentally ill are rarely perpetrators of mass shootings and more often the victims of gun crimes.  My interlocutors found it difficult to see how anyone who was not mentally ill could kill in such a way.  But attitudes of the heart (such as hate) are not the same as deficiencies of the mind.  The painful truth is that “normal” people like you and me – people who have good days and bad, times of joy and moments of anger, desires for love and thoughts of revenge – can do horrible things. 

So I mourn the deaths of yesterday and today, and I recommit to doing what I can.  Will you join me?

Reflections on Confronting My Color Blindness

Stacy Patty

      

             Sometime around 1986 while in ministry in New York, I was attending Union Theological Seminary.  In a class on Theology of Culture, I was assigned the task of presenting and defending the black theology of James Cone, widely regarded as the founder of black liberation theology.  This was not a task I relished.  I read his God of the Oppressed carefully and repeatedly to try and understand.  But it was very offensive; Cone seemed to say that Jesus was black and that only those who had experienced blackness could comprehend the liberating Jesus.  But I had to complete the assignment, so I dutifully summarized what I took to be the book’s thesis and main points and then proceeded to explain that Cone was too offensive.  If black theologians want us to understand what they are saying, they must tone it down, seek common points of reference with normative theology, and go more slowly with their radical (even if perhaps good) proposals, I argued.  And then I took the barrage of strong, inflamed responses.  “You have not suffered!  You cannot understand!  You must repent!” seemed to be the sentiment, literally pointed at me, that day.  I don’t remember the exact words that day, but I will never forget one scene:  The young black minister in his fancy three-piece suit standing over me with anger and calling me out.  The professor – a white Methodist male of Southern heritage – remained silent.  I felt humiliated and defeated (“I was trying to help Cone and his followers!”).  I left angry (after all, I had been fired from one church by then; I had suffered!) and confused. 

            Over the coming weeks and months, I met with that professor, and two others – also coincidentally white Methodist males of Southern heritage).  They listened to my anger and confusion and whining and questions.  They offered encouragement, and over time, words of advice, but they never justified my thoughts that day in class.  I don’t know how long I remained angry and confused, and self-righteous.

            But one day along the way, it hit me.  The initial offense was necessary to wake me from my slumber, to begin restoring sight from my blindness.  As a white person growing up in West Texas, I always enjoyed excellent public schools within easy walking distance from home.  I only even know that there was another side of the tracks – literally – when my blue-collar parents brought Mandy in once a week to clean the house.  Occasionally I would hear the n-word, but it never really seemed anything other than an identifier; even so, I sometimes joined others in fixing things by “n-rigging” them, but that phrase “meant no harm.”  I never worried about getting into a college, or paying for it, really.  And I never gave a thought to any real concern of one day getting a job and raising a family in peace and prosperity.  I realized that my family legacy was one of hard work and strong faith, and thereby life successes, but I never gave any consideration to the many others whose hard work and strong faith left them hungry, homeless, or in extreme poverty.  And in adult life, I have been fired – twice so far, and nearly three times – but I’ve never lost the safety net of family and savings and the ability to borrow money at reasonable rates.  I’ve never been stopped by the police and feared for my life.  I’ve never been followed around a store as if I might steal something.  I’ve never been turned down for a job because of my color, or my inferior educational past, or my prison record due to a lack of legal funds for adequate defense.  I’ve never been told that my ancestors did not have a soul.  I’ve never had to realize that I don’t know my original last name.  I’ve never had to sit on the back of the bus.  For that matter, like most of my contemporary friends, I’ve rarely had to even ride a bus – they’re much too slow and dirty.  I’d never realized that mid-20^th century laws regulated housing developments and distorted regional voting districts at the disadvantage of black families.  I’d never realized that the colleges and universities associated with the Churches of Christ were some of the last higher education institutions to integrate.

            And I’ve not really understood the Jesus of the Bible – a darker-skinned Jew who challenged religion and fought for social justice and dependence on God alone, with an end of all idolatries.  I’d never considered well, before my encounter with liberation theology, that the oppressed can teach me more about God than many European theological giants.  I’d never really understood suffering as a place close to God.  I’d never really listened to the words of spirituals.  I had not really known the Gospel.

            I still struggle with my own subtle racisms and/or attitudes susceptible to festering racism in me.  If I enter a restaurant and find only a few seats at the bar, I will likely avoid the one next to a black man.  I can easily make judgements about my black academic colleagues and their “over-the-top” cadences and rhetoric.  I walk through a D.C. neighborhood at dusk and avoid the black people on the side of the subway.  I enjoy a good black spiritual because of its “unique” style.  I’d rather not sit through a long and emotional worship service at a black church.  I admit that I remain complicit, even sometimes perhaps subconsciously, in structures of oppression and injustice that my own lifestyle supports or fails to confront.

            I am thankful for that class assignment, those professors -- Tom Driver, Christopher Morse, and Larry Rasmussen -- for Jim Cone, and for the many mentors, friends, and people of color who continue to help me see.

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11 June 2019

           

Why I Go to Christ in the Desert Monastery

Stacy L. Patty

So I did it again.  I left wife and job, packed basics and books, and headed up to the monastery for about two weeks.  When people learn that I am going, they always wonder why.  And for two weeks?  Here’s why:

The Location.  Christ in the Desert Monastery is described as “the most remote monastery in the Western Hemisphere.”  There are numerous monasteries in New Mexico, but none so far off the map, literally.  Drive an hour north of Santa Fe to Abiqui, then drive 14 more miles, past Ghost Ranch, to a turn-off, one-lane dirt and gravel road.  You have 13 more miles, so give yourself at least 45 minutes.  The road winds up the Chama River canyon, alternating between gentle curves and steep, hairpin turns among stunning mesa views with a kaleidoscope of colors.  The drive ends at the monastery, with guest rooms for 15 people.  The first thing one notices is the stark silence, only to be broken by a church bell marking the hours of prayer during the day.  And the deep blue sky.  And the midday clouds casting shadows on the cliffs all around.   And the afternoon shower, and the occasional rainbow.  The location makes it difficult to get to, but if you really want to have separation from the busyness and noise, there are likely few better places in the world.  If you just have to have a restaurant dinner, see that special ball game, or check up on the latest from Washington, you can certainly make the drive, but there’s that gnarly road and those lost three hours.  So settle in, and begin the adjustment to the life of the desert.

The Rhythm.  Before my first visit in 2011, a friend encouraged me to take the daily schedule seriously, and I am grateful to him.  These Benedictines follow the Opus Dei, the Divine Office, a series of seven “hours” of prayer appropriately placed throughout the day.  The prayers are largely chanting of the Psalms, punctuated with frequent doxologies, a simple hymn, and prayer.
On this visit, I did not arise for the first hour, Vigils, at 4:00 a.m.  I started at 5:00 with orange juice, two boiled eggs, and a slice of toast, followed by Lauds at 5:30.  By 6:15, I was back at my room, reading with the dawn, or walking.  At 8:45, Terce began, followed at 9:00 by work assignments (this year, I pulled weeds and oiled exterior doors).  Sext was at 1:00, followed by the main meal, with the monks serving a bounty of salad, beans, and white meat.  The meal began with hymns and prayers, and closed likewise.  The hour of None followed at 2:00, after which I enjoyed an afternoon of quiet, reading, writing, and walking.  At 5:45 I would go to Vespers, then share leftovers with the community at a light meal.  After more quiet time, Compline began at 7:30, followed by the Great Silence.  I usually sat at my door watching dusk and then dark arrive.  Over time, I find that my mind is more and more full of the day’s phrases – psalms, hymns, and prayers.

Often first-time guests come for only a couple of nights, which is sad.  It takes several days to adjust to the quiet, the stark beauty, and the day’s pattern.  But then comes something indescribable:  There is a kind of gentle inward peace and physical relaxation.  The rhythm of the hours, the walking to and from the chapel, the calls of the bell to prayer, the time to just “be,” invoke a certain kind of calm I rarely enjoy elsewhere.  I sense the presence of God, and it is as if nothing else matters – not the latest news, nor the work projects left unfinished, nor the bills still waiting to be paid, nor even rightful family concerns and responsibilities.  For now, in this sacred geography, I rest and renew.

The Limitations.  Until two years ago, the monastery did not have electricity or wi-fi.  Alas, both are available now, although the latter irregularly.  The rooms are quite simple, with concrete floors and an occasional spider web.  The climate can be cool at night and very hot in the afternoon; there are no air conditioners.   The food is basic, but given in generous supply.  Coffee is limited to instant mixes.  Adapting to these changes from normal life is at times a bit jarring but more so refreshing.  On my third day, I made the mistake of checking my email – a common computer in the breakfast room is provided for that purpose – only to find an alert about a supposedly very low bank account balance.  Immediately stress returned, until I found a way to actually verify the phish.  We typically live attached to our cell phones, going about our busyness among the noise and excess and exhaustion.  Experiencing limitations helps me to recover a sense of what matters and what does not.  It restores in me a desire to live more purposeful toward good living and being when I return from the monastery.

The Reading.  Rarely, and sadly, in the academic world do I focus on personal spiritual growth, and when not preparing for a lecture, I am drawn to contemporary issues in politics, science, and religion.  Somehow, the setting at the monastery seems not best suited for the mundane.  I brought enough theology and philosophy books to keep me going for a month, but I found myself drawn to Merton, Benedict, and the Desert Fathers instead.  How refreshing!

The Health.  At the monastery, one is not so quickly drawn to the kitchen for a late-night snack, or to the couch for an evening of numbing television.  You certainly can just sit and sleep, both of which are good and healthy.  But I found the desire to walk – at a good pace – each day.  I even went about five miles one morning.  And with only the ginger snaps made by Sharie to parcel out each day, I found the monastery fruit to actually taste good.  I only lost five pounds on this visit, but both mentally and physically I feel better.

The Encounters.  The monastery is supposed to be quiet.  One does not talk to a monk, nor do monks generally talk to each other.  All meals are eaten without conversation, though a reader does share from a designated book.  The guesthouse policy is silence, except for a common room.  But along the way, there are whispered hellos, after-meal exchanges, and short inquiries and answers.  And every time I have visited here, there have been unexpected but special meetings.  A young man appeared very unfriendly and sad until I realized he was there grieving the loss of his father in the previous week.  A woman knew Lubbock because she had played in an all-girl rock band at the air force base there in the early 1970s.  Once I ran into an old college friend there with his wife.  This time I paused to realize that a neighboring guest and I had once served on a spirituality and health committee in Lubbock.  And then there is Paul, a lanky, intelligent, octogenarian who works here each summer slathering shingle oil on exterior doors and exposed wood.  A Catholic theology teacher entering his 50^th year at a Philadelphia prep school, he invites me for coffee once or twice each year; I ask him about the rituals, and he updates me on the brothers (monasteries have their own drama).  This year, on a final day at None, Leander – the oldest monk -- shuffled over to me after prayers, leaned in, expressed hope that my visit had been a blessing, and added that he knew I had been a blessing to Paul.  These kind of moments of grace coming through chance encounters are serendipities that even this introvert treasures.

The Takeaway.  While I am learning to be simply grateful, I do come back home with a bit of guilt that I get this rare pleasure in the summers.  My hope is that I come back different – less stressed, more resolute toward kindness, renewed in spirit and body, less caring about the urgent, and more committed to developing and maintaining habits of attentiveness to the presence of God in all of life.  In time, I have learned, I do not succeed.  But with each visit and return, perhaps I become a little more consistent over the long haul.

So why not just become a monk?  Oh, goodness, no!  I like beef too much.  Seriously, I cannot imagine being distant from my wife and family, nor from the life of the university, nor the engagement with social justice in the public arena.  But I am grateful that there are monks in the desert, and I am thankful for the blessing they give.